Monday, November 30, 2015

Finding Me

It might be easiest to pick up this blog where I left off (forever and a day ago) with Derbies!


And Pretty Ribbons!

OK that's a poop brown ribbon but it's pretty to me in a national derby out of 40+ horses!


And a classic where I was 13th out of a zillion and missed the cut by half a point because I am an idiot and forgot to ask for a lead change not that I’m still bitter or anything.


However, I have been encouraged by a few to write my story of finding me, so I will. Besides, it would be reticent of me to just ignore this part, and pretend like it never happened

DH and I worked very hard to get pregnant. There were a series of heartbreaks, trials, issues, surgeries and other fun things. So I will start this blog by stating I understand how lucky I am. I understand that the LO (Little One) is a blessing beyond belief, and that I should be grateful for every minute I was pregnant, and every minute I have with my son.

That said, I can say with all of my heart I have not struggled as much as I did when I (finally) got pregnant, and honestly still continue to find hard at times.

I have defined myself as a “horse girl” for as long as I can remember. You know the kind (if you’re a reader of this blog and don’t know the kind, clearly you’ve lost your way). The barn rat who lives and breathes horses. Growing up I spent all free time, summers, vacations, mornings, afternoons, and nights with horses. Since then I have found a way to keep horses in my life at all costs. In college I worked three jobs, Nanny, Shot Girl, and Technology analyst at the same time (true story). When entering the work world, I would skip out on team lunches to get to the barn early, used my vacation time to go to shows, and have since done anything and everything to make it work.

Then I got pregnant, and felt my world crashing in on me. Even through all of my other roles in life, I was defined as a horse girl first (just ask my coworkers how boring I am speaking nothing of horses horses horses all the time, good thing my friends understand). Now suddenly it became clear to me that I would be mommy first. Call it a 1/3 life crisis, call it an unexpected side effect, but my panic about my self-identity was all encompassing. I felt both terrified and sad, then guilty in a cyclical succession. How could I possibly change me?

My path through was thankfully filled with support from my unbelievable DH, some amazing friends, and in the end the world’s cutest baby (if I do say so myself). I hacked TJ up until 33 weeks, and still got on at week 37 to walk around. I was so swollen I could barely get my paddock boots on, much less zipped, and my half chaps were more like sausage casings (I was fun a parties, that much is for sure). But, I was on, and was that all that mattered.



From the other side of pregnancy, having a beautiful, healthy baby boy, I’d love to say that it’s all rainbows and sunshine. But there are days (all of them…) that all I really want to do is go to the barn and all I really can do is fold more onsies. I might be mom first but the horse girl isn’t far behind. 

Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that I juuuuust might have bought a little something to keep me entertained for a few years. Meet Wesson




Maybe, just maybe I will set aside time to blog more often, and be more connected to this world instead of baby world. Here’s to hoping.       

9 comments:

  1. I feel like you wrote about me. The issues getting preggo. Being the 'horse girl' (I still have people who remind me of the time I brought my horse to school for show-n-tell in first grade lol and since I lived in the burbs and was the only kid to ever do that it left an impression lol) Realizing that I am a mom first and horse girl second was a big change that only a fellow horse girl could begin to understand. Glad to see you writing (& riding) and I love your little man!! He is too cute for words! <3 Maybe next time you can introduce Wesson and give an update on the seahorse :-D

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  2. Congrats girl, kids mean readjusting and juggling all facets of life. We can ever know how we're going to be affected/react till the little bundles of joy arrive. Keep up the fab work and I cannot wait to follow more of your adventures as you balance ll the awesome

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  3. I completely identify with the struggle between mom and horse girl (new mom myself)! It's a challenge and a gift and a whole lot of things! Love your voice and am looking forward to hearing more about how you balance, how little guy does with the horses, and about cute new Wesson! If you ever want tips on how to NOT balance well (tiny crying baby ringside at hits?), I'd love to talk! Wish you lots of luck.

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  5. i struggle enough finding balance just between the horses and everything else - without even adding parenthood to the mix... tho i don't think being honest about a '1/3 life crisis' (awesome terminology, btw) in any way diminishes the other feelings of joy etc for your son. it just is what it is. in any case - Wesson is adorable and i hope to read more about him soon!

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  6. Thanks for writing this. We are trying to get pregnant right now, and honestly I have regrets every day about this, because all I want to do is be the horse girl. It doesn't help that DH is not necessarily a huge fan of the horses slash doesn't get it. I am petrified, in a very selfish way, of what happens to me when our family expands. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there, but I appreciate your candid honesty, and hope you will keep writing from the other side.

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  7. I will be in your shoes in a couple of months!!! Glad you are blogging again!

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  8. It was a tricky, surprising and at times frustrating transition. I was heartbroken when our little girl (around 12 months) CRIED whenever she came to the barn. CRIED!!! Thankfully she's over that phase, and is on to brushing her rocking horse and giving it kisses... but holy moly. My barn life has been flipped upside down and it's always a challenge to figure out what I need to delegate, what I can still do (or need to do for sanity) and what makes sense for my little family. You'll totally find the balance, it might just require more patience than we like to give :)

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  9. There was a time when people use houses as their riding medium but now a days we little see Horses. But my good luck i have got great opportunity to ride this animals. I also ride my Sector 9 Bamboo Longboard

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